Alex Samuels' Buffet

1:25 and the staff room is filling with actors, directors, designers and Troy Fischnaller followers eager to fill their stomachs on Alex Samuels' tasty gourmet sandwiches. Let me take you around the room... table by table...

TABLE 1 - NOT HAIRY

- featuring Ryan Higgins, Stan Shield, Lisa Viertel, Colleen Robertson, Kerry Ryan and Alex Garnett

- "Are we talking about balls?" - Kerry Ryan

- "I just feel like if someone came at me with hot wax and my pants off... (makes punching noise)" - Ryan Higgins

- Colleen Robertson sat in shock as the conversation of waxing and hair removal continued... Stan just ate his sandwich with a very 'Stan' look on his face

TABLE 2 - ARE YOU BLOGGIN'

- featuring James Frounfelter, Menendez, Mowery, Agastya Kohli, Lou Butler, Banton Foster

- "He's working on the fire (referencing James.)" - Michael Mowery

- "OK - what rules do you want me to bend now?" - Gary Menendez

TABLE 3 - COCAINE

- featuring Tammi Doyle, Jordan Rosin, Tina LaPadula, Troy Lund, Amy Love

- "We're talking cocaine at this table." - Therese Diekhans

- Amy Love is paired with both the same playwright (Elizabeth Heffron) and the same director (Tammi Doyle)... on that note, James Frounfelter is paired with his same bottle of Scotch.

TABLE 4 - BUTT HAIR

- featuring Tim Hyland, Troy Fischnaller, Peter O'Connor, Carol Roscoe, Rob Burgess

- "Are you talking about butt hair again?" - Morgan Rowe to Tim Hyland

- "When you shave your butt it creates problems you could never imagine." - Tim Hyland

- "Keep going... keep going... Troy will keep talking, so keep going." - Carol Roscoe

- "Are you talking about shaving butt hair over here because we were just talking about it at our table." - John Farrage

- "The hair starts to grow back like little fish hooks which holds the underwear up in the butt." - Troy Fischnaller

- "The softness comes back but only after time. I've made the mistake." - Troy Fischnaller

- "Tincture-mathialate" - Rob Burgess

The conversation, or "horror", is continuing... I want to leave this table with every fiber of my being but there is something mysterious which makes me stay... like some distant siren singing a song and forcing me back into a horrible cave filled with awful images...

What was supposed to be an fun, innocent observation in how artists spend their lunch spiraled into the depths of hell... 14/48 gods save us all.